Hello one and all! I’m not sure if my title will turn into a weird metaphor by the end of this post but for the moment I mean it very literally. If you know me, you will probably know that I basically show no emotions and that it’s actually very hard for me to show that I’m happy. But how can I be sad when I have a scarf that is a blanket? That’s basically the pinnacle of life right there. Anyway, I digress. The point of this post is to give you a bit of background.
|So much happiness!|
I was bullied a lot throughout primary and high school and even a bit in college. I mean, this isn't the entire reason for my depression, I reckon some of it is just my personality and the way I'm wired anyway, but it certainly contributed. I don’t think I really realised I had depression until I was about 16/17 and had put my entire experience down to just being a teenager which probably stopped me from getting any help sooner or at least expressing how I felt. I always felt like (and still do sometimes) I didn't belong anywhere. My depression, coupled with social anxiety, has sometimes left me feeling isolated, unappreciated and in constant need of someone to tell me that I am enough and that my friends do actually like me and don't think I'm a burden. I just never seemed to quite fit in, and so I turned to literature – books, film, TV and music – as a way to escape. I still do this to an extent, it is one of the ways that I find happiness. I mean this love of literature has basically shaped my entire life – I'm doing an English Literature degree and I have an offer for a Creative Writing MA – and yes, sometimes it is hurtful when people belittle me for choosing to do an Arts and Humanities degree but I know that this was always going to be the path that I took. Literature has really helped me through some pretty dark times of my life and, as I would like to be a writer, if I could help and offer just one person a way of escaping then it’s all worth it, isn't it? In a way, I don’t know who I would be without my depression, it has come to shape me as a person but I have got better in the last few years and, although the scars will probably always be there, I'm slowly becoming the person I actually want to be.
Anyway, sorry for the slightly longer post and it’ll be business as usual next time as I have a few theatre visits lined up, and, as I said before, I hope this post doesn't change anyone’s opinion of me or make it seem like I'm selfish or anything.
The NHS website has some pretty useful information about depression and there’s a self-check tool there too, as well as links to various charities that offer help.